So drunk its hurt
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
she smelled like a LAN party
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
