i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Randomize
