Can Purell be used as lube?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
