Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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