ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Farmville is her only friend.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
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