You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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