i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
