Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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