I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
