I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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