life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Randomize
