you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
