a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
