no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
