I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
