Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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