now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Randomize
