I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
soo... how was my night?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
