her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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