My liver just broke up with me...
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
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The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
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You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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