farters have to be the big spoon...
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
