so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
