she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Randomize
