I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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