She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
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I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
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Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
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