Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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