Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
