I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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