shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
