I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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