I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
