I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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