He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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