come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Randomize
