I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
My cat gives me a boner
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Text me some of your sweat
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
