there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
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