WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
