Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
