2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
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