so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
