Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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