Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
