Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
