The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
