Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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