Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
pop tarts are not kleenex
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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