Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
The air taste purple.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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