I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
