Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
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He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
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Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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