pop tarts are not kleenex
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize