the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
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We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
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It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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