So drunk its hurt
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
