How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
