Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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