but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I will be naked everywhere
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
